Home Run Calls

Untitled (2007), oil on paper, 22x30in.

I often wonder, 'If I were a Sportscenter anchor, what would I use as my home run catchphrase?' You know, sportcasters have their home run call shticks, the crazy phrase or voice they use when a ball leaves the ol' yard. There was the guy who'd say, ‘Say hello to my little friend’ in his Tony Montana voice. And when I was a kid there was a guy who’d say ‘That dog will hunt!’ Chris Berman says ‘backbackback.’

Gary Cohen, who does the Mets on TV with Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling ( a great team), will shout 'It's OUTTA HERE!!!' as if his head were about to explode. (And I'm not gonna even mention John Sterling's ridiculous radio calls for that other New York team. Those games are unlistenable.)

So if I were a Sportscenter anchor, I would use random lines from opening theme songs to old television shows. For example, ‘It’s a high fly ball and it looks like, it could be, yes….

…THAT’s a three hour tour!!!’
…we’re moving on UP!!!!’
…welcome back, Kotter!!!’
…it’s love! Exciting and new!!!’
…the kinfolks said, "JED! Move away from there!!!!"’
…you’re gonna make it after all!’
…it takes diff’rent strokes to move the world!!!!’
…just a good ol’ boy never meanin no harm!!!!’
…I’m livin on the air in Cincinnati!!!”
…can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street??’
…good morning, CAPTAIN!!!!’
…that’s a dimension not of sight and sound but of MIND!!!!’
…but I took them away from all that!! My name is Charlie!!!’
…it’s a beautiful day in the NEIGH-borhood!!’
…Car 54, where are you??’
…what a crazy pair!!’
…HELLLLOOOO LARRY!!!!’

I recommend, as you read along, to shout each one at the top of your voice, so you really get the full effect.